Make Effective Resolutions for Happiness, Health, & Prosperity in 2017....

Today's Post:  Thursday, 12-29-2016

(This is an upgrade of last year’s post.  I liked it then and still think well of it now!

And the upgrades are substantial.

Before the part from last year’s post,

  we start with how to make your resolutions effective!)

A.  Effective resolutions have these parts:

1.  Things that you want enough or are large enough that you are enthused if you think you have a shot at getting them tend to work better!

But if that’s all you do, they are wishes rather than actual ways to get those things.

 To have a shot at getting them, do the next things!

2.  Start something small early in January or this weekend! that starts you on the road to that goal.

The wonderful news is that it can be tiny and even easy to do as long as you set a time to start it early in January or this week AND do it on that date!

You must think through or research or at least guess what a good but small and likely doable first step would be.

If you are stumped, write 3 ideas that MIGHT work that you CAN do.

Then try the easiest or most promising one first!

(Tony Robbins found that last step really effective and teaches it!)

3.  What if it’s something that is required to get that first result or seems to be but you haven’t a clue how to do it?

Brendon Buchard found a way to solve this one!

Have your first task be to think up or look up online for 3 people who might be able to tell you how to do it.

Then make asking the first one what you do first. Then ask the other two.

What if they don’t know, haven’t time to tell you, or give you a version you cannot use?

Ask them to suggest a few people who might be able and willing to do so!

Brendon found this often got to the person who could tell him what he needed to know.

Last year we posted on what goals might be worth it for you to pursue.

We want you to have a Happy, Healthy, and Prosperous New Year.

And we gave ideas for a first doable first step for each of those areas:

1. Everyone says, or most people say, Happy New Year!

So, why not begin to do things that test as making people happy from now to the end of 2017?

Surprisingly, there ARE 3 ways to do become much happier!

a)  Make prudent choices that avoid things that would make you unhappy or very unhappy.

*Always wear your seat belt.

*Never text while driving.

Be extremely careful using your cell phone while driving.  And do it only if you can pay attention to your driving and talk on the phone at the same time.

(Texting takes your eyes off the road too long to make that reliably possible.  That’s why to avoid it.)

*And, either don’t drink or drink only AFTER you get home or arrange things to get you home if you drink before you go home.

This goes double on New Year’s eve!

The ideal thing to do is stay home or go someplace you can spend the night. 

Not only can you then drink a bit extra and be safe,

you will stay safe from the people who drank too much AND drove on New Year’s eve.

New this year!:

Drink one or maybe two drinks -- but BEFORE dinner only.  You’ll sleep better.

And after dinner you will feel the effects which make it far easier than drinking less than you want before dinner and then thinking you can do the same afterwards!

(I had tried to drink less than I wanted both before and after dinner and hardly was able to do so.

But I tried drinking what I wanted before dinner only which I DID find DOABLE.

And I found the sleep doctor who suggested it was correct.  I DO sleep better since I made that change!)

And, of course this is critical if you will be driving.  That way you will both have a chance to have the effect wear off before you drive AND what effect is left over to be buffered by your dinner and less intense!

Lastly, if you get drowsy with alcohol, take a 20 minute nap BEFORE you drive!

Sleep restores your alertness and ability to drive safely BETTER than coffee!

Of course you can also drink a cup of coffee before your nap; and the coffee will begin to take effect about the time you get up from your nap!

b)  Make having close and loving relationships with people a priority. And do things with them, that you’ll remember later.

“Did you hear about the 75-year long study that researchers at Harvard University conducted to unearth the keys to living a happy and meaningful life?   

After following the lives of several hundred people since 1938….”

“One of the most important findings of the study is that relationships are what really matter in life.

You can have all of the money, success and power in the world, but without close, loving relationships, you’ll most likely never experience true happiness.”

c)   Focus on the things you did that worked, the things you enjoyed, the things that went well, and the ways in which you are fortunate.

(When you notice you are spending time thinking on the bad things, STOP.

Then think of at least ONE good thing ----- something that DID go well today or might go well tomorrow.)

Earl Nightengale made a fortune and a career once he found that

   “people become” what they focus on and think about every day.

And, he taught the implication of that too:

If you continue to focus on good things and making good things happen, even if they are not happening yet, they will!

And, if you do the opposite, good things you could have had will never appear!  So focus on the good things and especially notice the ones that are already happening even if they are little.

Here’s the same lesson from the Harvard study:

“….No matter how bleak your childhood was or how difficult the circumstances you may find yourself in now, it’s never too late to turn things around.”

The researchers found that the key is to change what you choose to focus on.

If you focus on what’s not working in your life, you’ll notice more and more of what it is that you don’t want - and life will continue to look dimmer and dimmer.

But, if you switch your focus to love - to where it’s present in your life and to how you can cultivate more of it with others - you can go from being the saddest person you know to being the happiest and most fulfilled very, very quickly.”

This combines the power of the positive focus with the most happiness producing events and effects you get from doing it!

2.  Be Healthy in 2017

Pick a few, repeat few, things to upgrade in the first part of 2017. 

You can always add more later.  (You can also expand the things you start doing at an easy, doable level!)

Even ONE easy upgrade you actually begin to do and keep doing will do more for you than ten great ones none of which ever happens!

So, on the list below, write down only the ones you might consider doing.  Then list them from the easiest to hardest for you and the ones that get the results most important to you.

Pick at least one easy one and one that gets the results you want most.

Do that easiest one right away! 

Then in a few weeks, add the most important one. But schedule your starting date now!

Here’s the reason why:

People who make a certain to be easy health upgrade and maintain it for a few months, are empowered to do more over time.

And, THEY ACTUALLY make the easy upgrade!

     People who only set a huge goal for the year usually make no changes at all in practice!

(I should know, because when I used to set such goals, they never, ever happened!)

Here are some high-return, easy to do & easy to begin, health upgrades to try.

*What is the easiest, high payoff health upgrade?

People who eat even ONE serving a day of an organic fruit and drink no fruit juice get half or more of the health benefits of a person who does an athlete’s exercise routine or who eats nine servings a day of organic vegetables!

(Recent research found that eating ONE piece of whole fruit a day cut their risk of BOTH obstructive or ischemic stroke AND their risk of a bleeding or hemorrhagic stroke dramatically!)

Pick 3 kinds of fruit that you actually like and can buy in organic form -- either frozen or fresh.

Pick one to start with and eat it on the same day each week for a few weeks.

Once you do that, adding the other two kinds or eating your favorite kind of fruit two or three days a week is then easy to do.

(I find that eating the same fruit the same day each week; but eating several kinds -- both gives me variety and the benefit of a regular, easy to maintain and shop for habit!)

This is least fattening, even for sugary fruits, if you do it at breakfast.

It’s super easy to do and tastes good too!

Doing this is so heart protective and so extremely preventive of both kinds of stroke, it’s worth a thousand dollars a month to do in avoided medical care costs and disability costs you never will need!

I think no one should ever leave elementary school without learning it!

*Do you live by yourself?  Do you drink soft drinks?

If yes to both, both regular and diet soft drinks are so fattening and harmful to your health, consider tossing out any in your home or giving them away if you are too frugal to waste them and never buying another either at a restaurant or a store, has such huge potential, it’s worth doing.

(If you’ve read our posts, you have seen the reasons these drinks are fatteners and heart attack starters. 

In fact they cause so many additional health problems, from speeding up aging to causing osteoporosis two ways, most people who know their full track record never drink them!)

Then set up and learn to enjoy chilled water and several kinds of tea or coffee instead.

The key to making this an easy change, is that if you know you’ll be less fat and why to avoid both kinds of soft drinks, focusing on those facts every time you are tempted to do otherwise for a few weeks will make this a surprisingly doable and massively positive upgrade.

It’s the most effective and massive health upgrade you can literally do in just a few days!

People have lost over 25 pounds a year from just doing this one thing AND with no added effort.

 (Important note:  studies find diet soft drinks also fatten and have health harmful effects.)

And, eliminating soft drinks is comparably heart protective as the fat loss effects and takes very little effort once soft drinks never come in your home and you never drink them even outside your home!

*Eating six to nine servings of organic vegetables a day has incredibly powerful health benefits.

But it’s quite challenging to do if you haven’t already done it.

And, doing this is SO powerful that even averaging four or five a day will help!

Here’s two ways to make it so easy, you CAN get closer to that and even get there eventually.

Pick one health supporting and organic vegetable you can actually buy.  Buy some and eat ONE serving of it once a week for a few months until it’s easy to do. Then keep doing it by habit.

Or, buy the quiet and low profile, shorter and slightly fatter new Vitamix, and make a drink once a week with three health supporting and organic vegetables you can actually buy.  Do this once a week for a few months until it’s easy to do.

(Notice that the quiet and low profile new Vitamix is a “force multiplier” for eating the optimum level of vegetables because it almost triples how many a day are doable by most people!)

But also know that people who add even one vegetable once a week not only wind up eating far more vegetables a week than they were,

taking even that one easy action is also a “force multiplier” and has often empowered people to remake their entire ability to make OTHER effective health upgrades in their lives!

*What is the one force multiplier health upgrade that has the most carry over to your whole life?

Whether or not you do it in a way that also cuts your body fat, it’s beginning regular exercise on ONE day a week for a few weeks!

The biggest benefits are huge and happen within the first few weeks!  People literally feel better about themselves and become empowered to do other things to protect their health.

Starting even a bit of regular exercise makes doing more health protective things as much as ten times easier.

This effect was found and proven over 50 years ago!  Astonishingly few people have heard of this effect.

People who start with just ONE very easy exercise on one day each week often become regular exercisers.  And, it’s so easy anyone can start it.

The easiest to begin and keep doing is an exercise you can do safely at home first thing in the morning.

Pick ONE exercise and a number of repetitions or times that is very easy to do.

Then schedule which day of the week will work best and treat that as you would going to work or going to bed or eating as something you will do short of a life threatening emergency.

What if you do an exercise for 3 repetitions or for 15 seconds and it’s clear the very first time you can easily do five times that much?  This time, stop at 3 to 5 or 15 to 20 seconds. 

Then celebrate somehow!

That has been a foundation block for many people for becoming far healthier!

It’s critical that the first time is THAT easy.

Next week do 7 and then 8 and then 9 and then 10 in the following weeks or do 30 seconds, then 35 seconds etc until you get to 60 seconds.  Then do two 35 second sets etc.

The 3 key concepts are:

First  -- Make your start extremely easy.

 Second-- Build up gradually each week which does the double of making injury much less likely and which will make you much stronger and fit as you keep gradually improving.

Building up to being stronger or more fit by starting at an extremely easy level and then gradually increasing until you are strong and fit is proven to work.

Third-- With cardio or faster heart rate and breathing exercises, to get fit fastest and to stay safe once you are doing it at all begin to do the amount you do faster until you get slightly out of breath.  Then stop and rest until you recover.  Once you can do one set like this you can build up to several sets.

BUT it’s imperative that you rest completely or slow way down once you get out of breath.

Forcing yourself to keep going at a really fast pace you haven’t built up to is hazardous, and like some people shoveling snow without short breaks when they get out of breath, you can give yourself a heart attack.

Paradoxically, you can work just that hard or even harder but WITH the short recovery breaks and stay quite safe!

If you picked this as one to do or begin in 2016, decide if you will do strength training like pushups or squats, or such as walking fast for brief times or marching in place inside your home. Then decide which day a week you will always do it every week.

Or  if you decide to do strength training on one day a week and vigorous cardio on one day a week. Pick which day each week for strength training and which day for cardio.

3.  Do a few things to become more prosperous in 2017.

This area is more complex and challenging than exercise or eating upgrades or even than happiness upgrades.

But there are some things that work, some of which you can do.

Here are a few of them.

a)  Spend less overall but with more to show for it:

 One writer said to buy twice as good and half as many.  He spoke of clothes noting that higher quality clothes look better and last longer.

You can even spend less and have twice as good!

In some places in the United States, for clothes, you can buy twice as good for a fifth as much!  Thrift stores often get nearly new clothes from well to do donors.  Then they sell them for a quarter or a fifth as much as the price new.

Get them cleaned and treat them well and you can be well dressed for less than most people spend.

If you have space for larger amounts, stores like Walmart and Smart & Final and Costco sell major brands for less.

A similar thought is in a new book on how to eliminate clutter by Marie Kondo called, “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” which is available on Amazon.

Her basic method is instead of focusing on whether or not to toss something out, you focus on finding the things you actually love to have and bring you satisfaction or joy.

Then her clients find that tossing most of the rest is easy.

Buy her book and try her method.

The carry over is that when you shop, you ask her question BEFORE you buy.  That way you have more to spend on things that really please you. And, you’ll bring less stuff home you’ll throw out later.

You’ll spend less and have more things you actually enjoy having.

b)  Do you make enough to pay your bills on time?

First, if not, making more will help if there is a doable and safe way that fits your values to do so.

That one is tough and books have been written on it.  But people do it.

If you do, to the extent it’s safe in your current location, avoid moving to more expensive or larger living space.

Do this at least until you have built up savings AND gotten your income up!)

Do your best to spend no more than you do now for most things.

Then, whether you can do it now with no increase in income

OR you can do it because you increased your income but not your expenses,

pay yourself first some definite percentage of your income each month.

At first, put it into savings.  Then once you have a month’s expenses in savings, buy small CD’s or money market funds until you have five more months of current expenses in those.

Note that paying down credit cards where you have a balance of more than 25 to 30% of your credit limit also increases your emergency funds and pays far better interest than CD’s.

(This, plus always paying a couple days before the due date, will also build a good credit rating; and they will give you more credit.  THAT increases your financial security in addition to you your savings.)

Then once you have done those things, next put an equal amount to your savings into investments that may or may not go up but which are unlikely to go down.

Prosper pays a higher return on money you give them to loan than stock dividends on strong companies that pay dividends.

But if you invest about half in these loans and half in strong stocks that pay dividends, the stocks will tend to be worth more and pay more over time, and you’ll have an income from your investments that you can invest further after the taxes are paid.

Third, once you do those things, then investments that may be more risky but which have a high but likely potential to go up make sense.

Conclusion:

Make the resolutions many make to be happier and healthier and more prosperous in 2017.

AND, follow through with small starts on causing the most important ones to you to actually happen.

(Note that the post just previous to this one has how to become more socially skilled in a few easy steps.

It has how to upgrade your brain AND turn off depression which can be a huge help this time of year.

And, it has some key steps to help you achieve the things most important to you.

Using these can ensure you achieve your most important resolutions!)

Autism fixes NOT labels....

Today's post:  Thursday, 12-29-2016

A Dear Abby question recently got my attention.

A woman had been told that a younger relative had Autism but she should not tell him so.

He was in his mid teens.

He was a good and talented young man in several ways.  Since she said he was bright and did not say he had problems with school work, he likely did NOT have such problems.

What he DID have was social problems that at that age can be upsetting to have.

And, he felt there was something wrong with him.

The advice from Dear Abby was to see if the teenager’s Doctor knew since that might be helpful.

But ethically and legally, she would be well advised to wait to tell the teen until he became 18.

So the woman who wrote in really wanted to help the kid out, but didn’t have a good way to do so.

Here’s my take on this:

The advice NOT to tell him was sound.  BUT not for the reasons stated.  The reasons stated were reasonable and can avoid reactions that can make the situation worse.

But there is an even bigger reason:

a) Telling him he is autistic is likely to harm him in several ways.  It’s a very undesirable idea.

That label can cause others to think less of him.  It can cause him to think less of himself.  Worse, it can get him taking drugs that have bad side effects when he likely does NOT need them.

b) And, the problem he has, not being socially skilled and hating it, is one that many of his completely normal peers also have at that age.  He might be astounded to learn that this is a majority of his peers according to many studies!

The much better news is that there ARE effective fixes for that that he CAN do that will make his life better.  They can even make his entire life better -- not just his teen years!

The woman who wrote in could ask him if he would consider trying something that can make him much more successful socially.  

If he says yes -- (But only if he says yes.), she can mail him or email him the information.

[Schools SAY that social skills are important.  They ARE.  But with so far, with rare exceptions they do nothing to teach them. AND they CAN be taught. I list a short course below!]

*It’s been shown that you CAN reliably tell if someone is in a high energy or low energy state; and you CAN tell if they feel negative or positive.

So, suggest he people-watch whenever he has a chance and decide whether or not the people he sees are high or low energy and positive or negative in tone in that four way system.

By simply practicing this for a few months and getting some sense of it, when someone important to him is involved, he’ll be comfortable looking at them to see where they are.

He may not even be used to looking at the people important to him now.  When he does and makes that reading, in a very powerful way he will be MORE socially skilled than other people his age.  Moreover, he will find it reliable when HE does it!

**You can often treat other people the way you want to be treated even if no one treats you that way. 

If he takes the time to learn the name and anything at all that is positive about a few people in his group, even if no one responds beyond that HE will feel better about himself!  AND the whole group he is a part of will work better! 

(One of the few social skill teaching systems in a few schools teaches that to ALL their kids.  It IS spectacularly successful!)

***THAT means when he does just these two practices, it may solve his real problem!

***But there is more!

A.  Asking for what you want in a politic or “sales wise” way will often get what you want, when doing it without that skill will almost always fail.

If he learns how to do this, he will be effective socially when he wants to be.  And, that alone may solve his problem.

Here’s the 3 part short course.  It’s astoundingly successful! It’s been tested to work reliably.

A man called Cialdini studied effective skills of this kind and wrote them up in his book, Influence.

1.  Just about the most powerful and EASIEST one is to use the word “because” when you ask for things.

Social science research studied two ways of asking for things.  One way was to ask, “Could you please do this?  The other way was to say “Could you please do this because….?”

As often as 95% of the time asking the first way got a NO. 

The huge finding was that asking and then adding “because” got up to 95% of the people to say YES.

The even bigger surprise was that if the reason after “because” was made up or if the only reason was what it would do for the person asking, using “because” still got that result by actual test!

“Could I go first with just this one item because it will save me a bit of time?”  worked as well as “Could I go first with just this one item because it will help me avoid being late to work.”

2.  If it’s a bigger favor than most, there is also a way to make it twice as likely to get a yes to part of it and often get the whole thing when you would not have otherwise!

The magic add-on is to ask for what you want using because and then add:  “even a ….would help.”

Long ago they tested a pitch for giving to a charity in two versions:

a) “This charity does real good in our community doing these things.

Would you give us a donation?”

b) “This charity does real good in our community doing these things.

Would you give us a donation?

Even a penny would help.”

WOW!

Instead of something like 3% gave something using a),

HALF the people using b) gave a donation!

Yes they did get a few pennies.  BUT they also raised TWICE as much money!

I wish I’d known these two things when I was his age!

I couldn’t get myself to ask a girl out at all just about.

But if I’d known I had a real shot by using these two strategies, I’d have done far better!

Instead of risking, “I’d like to date you.  Would you go to a movie with me this weekend?”

I’d have known to say this and practice it first:

“Now I have my driver’s license I’d like to take you out because I’d enjoy your company.

Even going to a movie this weekend would be great, would you do that?”

3.  The third huge strategy is to be totally OK getting a no and be quite pleasant if you do get a no.

For him, he can remember the other things he DOES have going for him. That can be anything he is good at that he LIKES being good at.

He can remember that if no girl at his school says yes, maybe one he likes in his part time job might.

He can remember that because he knows HOW to make getting a yes likely, if the first two say no, one of the first 10 will say yes.  If he also has the list with the 10 girls he would actually be interested in dating ready, that will help.

Then, when he asks, the girl won’t feel pressured at all because she can tell a NO is really OK.

AND, this also conveys to her that he is confident even if he doesn’t feel that way inside.

Oddly this makes it much more likely he will get a yes as well!

His pain point is that he is out of it socially.  With those skills he won’t be anymore!

B.  Some apparent autism is just a lack of such social skills that a young person dislikes and thinks something is wrong with him or her, when it is a lack of knowing what to do and successful experience doing it instead.

It’s one of the reasons to be quite sparing in using the label!

But some autism, according to what I’ve read, is that some parts of the brain that are normally connected to the appropriate other parts lack those connections.

BUT, without any labels, she can pass on the things that may help him rewire his brain or connect in other ways that provide a successful bypass.

A surprising number of people don’t know this yet; but we DO know how to do this!

And, because those things also make you feel better and less irritable and a good bit smarter and able to think on your feet, you can ask him if he wants any of THOSE results!

He might.  Then he might to do them! 

If he does them well and his lack of connections is mild, which sounds like it might be, he won’t be autistic anymore either! That’s because he will grow those connections or enough similar ones to provide a comparable level of ability.

The set of things proven to add new brain cells, interconnect them, and help people be less irritable and even less depressed are these:

[Student age young people who do them reliably get better grades too!]

People who take the omega 3, DHA, daily are less irritable by actual test. 

AND, if they also do the exercises that release BDNF which grows new brain cells and repairs many of those less healthy, taking DHA too grows significantly MORE brain cells.

[Jarrow makes a 560 mg DHA supplement.  Taking one or two of those a day can make a big difference.]

Eating hybrid wheat or soy or corn oil interferes with the action of DHA so it helps to stop eating them and fats from animals fed grain.

These 3 sets of actions done together have tested to improve mood; sharply reduce irritability; AND:  often stop depression. and PTSD, and reduce the damage from explosions or concussions!  

*Doing brisk walking even as little as 7 minutes a time four days a week -- and/or strength training for as little as twenty minutes two or three times a week – and/or doing two or three 30 to 60 second bursts of very vigorous cardio with rests or easier cardio in between and doing those three or four times a week.  (I do each of these personally.  But even one of them done consistently will work.)

**Stopping wheat foods and soy and corn oil and fats from grain fed animals completely.  (Extra virgin olive oil; very lean or super lowfat protein foods from animals fed grain is superior; but protein foods from naturally fed animals is best -- such as 100% grass fed beef or lamb; eggs from hens fed on pasture; dairy products from cows fed 100% on grass, and wild caught fish; and organic vegetables and organic fruit provide the fiber you no longer get from grains.)

*** Taking one or two capsules of DHA 500 mg or more each day.  (It can also help to add a daily omega 3 supplement and eat wild caught fish high in omega 3 such as wild caught salmon or sardines or herring a few times a week.)

C.  Being “normal” and unusually able at first CAN help people.  Sometimes it does.

What many people and young people do NOT know, is that just as often it does NOT.

But there IS something that DOES always work.  Best of all, it even works for people who have problems to overcome or who are initially less able.

The people high in this skill fix or overcome problems and can even develop world class levels of skill and performance even if they started without even average skill or ability.

If nothing else, she can get him the book that describes it and how to increase your level of it.

The book is:

Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance   by Angela Duckworth

It’s available on Amazon and has sold well enough many bookstores still stock it.

Think about the power of combining the methods here to become socially skilled; the methods here to cause your brain to be at its very best; and learning the skills of Grit too!

Note that none of these sets of information to get to him involve saying word one about “autism”!!

She need NOT wait to help him. 

And since this is the case, even never telling him he was once thought autistic would work just fine!

******

Clearly she cannot send him this post because that would cause the problems of telling him he was thought to be autistic.

So, here’s the three things she can send him by cutting and pasting and printing them out or emailing him:   (She can also ask if he'd like the book if he likes these ideas.)

******

A self help writer who once was a young man much like you wrote this:

1.  It may surprise you to know that most young people your age are not socially skilled and hate it or even think they have some kind of problem.

What may surprise you even more is that the most powerful social skills are quite learnable.

*Do you want to learn them?

If you would, here’s the short course that contains them.

Just read each one and practice each one and you’ll be glad you did!

[Schools SAY that social skills are important.  They ARE.  But with so far, with rare exceptions they do nothing to teach them. AND they CAN be taught. I list a short course below!]

*It’s been shown that you CAN reliably tell if someone is in a high energy or low energy state; and you CAN tell if they feel negative or positive.

So, people-watch whenever you have a chance and decide whether or not the people you see are high or low energy and positive or negative in tone in that four way system.  Watch other students, watch people when you are standing in lines.  Once you look for these opportunities, you’ll find as many as several a day.

By simply practicing this for a few months and getting some sense of it, when someone important to you is involved, you’ll be comfortable looking at them to see where they are.

You may not even be used to looking at the people important to you now.  When you do and make this reading, in a very powerful way you will be MORE socially skilled than other people your age.  Moreover, you will find it reliable when you do it!

**You can often treat other people the way you want to be treated even if no one treats you that way. 

Take the time to learn the name and anything at all that is positive about a few people in your class or elsewhere, because even if no one responds beyond that, YOU will feel better about yourself!  AND the whole group you are a part of will work better! 

Lastly, once those people learn about you from this, good things you may not even expect have been known to happen.

(One of the few social skill teaching systems in a few schools teaches that to ALL their kids.  It IS spectacularly successful!)

***THAT means when you do just these two practices, it may make you enough more socially skilled you feel better.

***But there is more!

A.  Asking for what you want in a politic or “sales wise” way will often get what you want, when doing it without that skill will almost always fail.

If you learn how to do this, you will be effective socially when you want to be.  And, that alone may solve your problem.

Here’s the 3 part short course.  It’s astoundingly successful! It’s been tested to work reliably.

A man called Robert Cialdini studied effective skills of this kind and wrote them up in his book, Influence.

1.  Just about the most powerful and EASIEST one is to use the word “because” when you ask for things.

Social science research studied two ways of asking for things.  One way was to ask, “Could you please do this?  The other way was to say “Could you please do this because….?”

As often as 95% of the time asking the first way got a NO. 

The huge finding was that asking and then adding “because” got up to 95% of the people to say YES.

The even bigger surprise was that if the reason after “because” was made up or if the only reason was what it would do for the person asking, using “because” still got that result by actual test!

“Could I go first with just this one item because it will save me a bit of time?”  worked as well as “Could I go first with just this one item because it will help me avoid being late to work.”

2.  If it’s a bigger favor than most, there is also a way to make it twice as likely to get a yes to part of it and often get the whole thing when you would not have otherwise!

The magic add-on is to ask for what you want using because and then add:  “even a ….would help.”

Long ago they tested a pitch for giving to a charity in two versions:

a) “This charity does real good in our community doing these things.

Would you give us a donation?”

b) “This charity does real good in our community doing these things.

Would you give us a donation?

Even a penny would help.”

WOW!

Instead of something like 3% who gave something using a),

HALF the people using b) gave a donation!

Yes they did get a few pennies.  BUT they also raised TWICE as much money!

I wish I’d known these two things when I was your age!

I couldn’t get myself to ask a girl out at all just about.

But if I’d known I had a real shot by using these two strategies, I’d have done far better!

Instead of risking, “I’d like to date you.  Would you go to a movie with me this weekend?”

I’d have known to say this and practice it first:

“Now I have my driver’s license I’d like to take you out because I’d enjoy your company.

Even going to a movie this weekend would be great, would you do that?”

3.  The third huge strategy is to be totally OK getting a no and be quite pleasant if you do get a no.

Start out by remembering the other things you DO have going for you. That can be anything you are good at that you LIKE being good at.

Remember that if no girl at your school says yes, maybe one you like at your part time job might. (Or your church, etc.)

Remember that because you know HOW to make getting a yes likely, even if the first two say no, one of the first 10 will say yes!

Also make a list with the 10 girls you would actually be interested in dating and write them down first because that will help.

Then, when you ask, the girl you ask won’t feel pressured at all because she can tell a NO is really OK.

AND, this also conveys to her that you are confident even if you don’t feel that way inside.

Oddly this makes it much more likely you’ll get a yes as well!

If your biggest pain point is that you are out of it socially, with those skills you won’t be anymore! 

Sure, you may not be in some groups.  But when you want to relate to any individual person, you’ll have the skills to do so.

2.  Do you sometimes feel lousy or even depressed?  Are you sometimes so irritable it gets you in trouble? 

*Do you want to turn that off?

*Would you like to boost your mental skills and memory?

*Do you want to be more able to think on your feet?

There’s good news!  It does take a bit of work to do them, but there is a set of things that does ALL of these things!

Not only that, it also helps cure people with PTSD and traumatic brain injury! 

A surprising number of people don’t know this yet; but we DO know how to do this!

The set of things proven to add new brain cells, interconnect them, and help people be less irritable and even less depressed are these:

[Student age young people who do them reliably get better grades too!]

People who take the omega 3, DHA, daily are less irritable by actual test. 

AND, if they also do the exercises that release BDNF which grows new brain cells and repairs many of those less healthy, taking DHA too grows significantly MORE brain cells.

[Jarrow makes a 560 mg DHA supplement.  Taking one or two of those a day can make a big difference.]

Eating hybrid wheat or soy or corn oil interferes with the action of DHA so it helps to stop eating them and fats from animals fed grain.

These 3 sets of actions done together have tested to improve mood; sharply reduce irritability; AND:  often stop depression. and PTSD, and reduce the damage from explosions or concussions!  

*Doing brisk walking even as little as 7 minutes a time four days a week -- and/or strength training for as little as twenty minutes two or three times a week – and/or doing two or three 30 to 60 second bursts of very vigorous cardio with rests or easier cardio in between and doing those three or four times a week.  (I do each of these personally.  But even one of them done consistently will work.)

**Stopping wheat foods and soy and corn oil and fats from grain fed animals completely.

(Extra virgin olive oil; very lean or super lowfat protein foods from animals fed grain is superior; but protein foods from naturally fed animals is best -- such as 100% grass fed beef or lamb; eggs from hens fed on pasture; dairy products from cows fed 100% on grass, and wild caught fish; and organic vegetables and organic fruit provide the fiber you no longer get from grains.)

*** Taking one or two capsules of DHA 500 mg or more each day works.  (It can also help to add a daily omega 3 supplement and eat wild caught fish high in omega 3 such as wild caught salmon or sardines or herring a few times a week.)

3.  Do you sometimes feel you are less able in any way than other people?

Did you know that you can reverse this totally and do far more than people who seem very able now?

*Would you like to get anything or do anything important to you?

Good news!  We now know how you can!

Being “normal” and unusually able at first CAN help people.  Sometimes it does.

What many people and young people do NOT know, is that just as often it does NOT.

But there IS something that DOES always work. 

Best of all, it even works for people who have problems to overcome or who are initially less able.

The people high in this skill fix or overcome problems and can even develop world class levels of skill and performance even if they started without even average skill or ability.

Here’s the book that describes it and how to increase your level of it.

Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance   by Angela Duckworth

It’s available on Amazon and has sold well enough many bookstores still stock it.

Think about the power of combining:

the methods here to become socially skilled;

the methods here to cause your brain to be at its very best;

and learning the skills of Grit too.

*Would you like that?

Use these tools and get good at them and keep doing them and you’ll be glad you did!