Focus on Your health

Autism fixes NOT labels....

Today's post: Thursday, 12-29-2016

A Dear Abby question recently got my attention.

A woman had been told that a younger relative had Autism but she should not tell him so.

He was in his mid teens.

He was a good and talented young man in several ways. Since she said he was bright and did not say he had problems with school work, he likely did NOT have such problems.

What he DID have was social problems that at that age can be upsetting to have.

And, he felt there was something wrong with him.

The advice from Dear Abby was to see if the teenager’s Doctor knew since that might be helpful.

But ethically and legally, she would be well advised to wait to tell the teen until he became 18.

So the woman who wrote in really wanted to help the kid out, but didn’t have a good way to do so.

Here’s my take on this:

The advice NOT to tell him was sound. BUT not for the reasons stated. The reasons stated were reasonable and can avoid reactions that can make the situation worse.

But there is an even bigger reason:

a) Telling him he is autistic is likely to harm him in several ways. It’s a very undesirable idea.

That label can cause others to think less of him. It can cause him to think less of himself. Worse, it can get him taking drugs that have bad side effects when he likely does NOT need them.

b) And, the problem he has, not being socially skilled and hating it, is one that many of his completely normal peers also have at that age. He might be astounded to learn that this is a majority of his peers according to many studies!

The much better news is that there ARE effective fixes for that that he CAN do that will make his life better. They can even make his entire life better -- not just his teen years!

The woman who wrote in could ask him if he would consider trying something that can make him much more successful socially.

If he says yes -- (But only if he says yes.), she can mail him or email him the information.

[Schools SAY that social skills are important. They ARE. But with so far, with rare exceptions they do nothing to teach them. AND they CAN be taught. I list a short course below!]

*It’s been shown that you CAN reliably tell if someone is in a high energy or low energy state; and you CAN tell if they feel negative or positive.

So, suggest he people-watch whenever he has a chance and decide whether or not the people he sees are high or low energy and positive or negative in tone in that four way system.

By simply practicing this for a few months and getting some sense of it, when someone important to him is involved, he’ll be comfortable looking at them to see where they are.

He may not even be used to looking at the people important to him now. When he does and makes that reading, in a very powerful way he will be MORE socially skilled than other people his age. Moreover, he will find it reliable when HE does it!

**You can often treat other people the way you want to be treated even if no one treats you that way.

If he takes the time to learn the name and anything at all that is positive about a few people in his group, even if no one responds beyond that HE will feel better about himself! AND the whole group he is a part of will work better!

(One of the few social skill teaching systems in a few schools teaches that to ALL their kids. It IS spectacularly successful!)

***THAT means when he does just these two practices, it may solve his real problem!

***But there is more!

A. Asking for what you want in a politic or “sales wise” way will often get what you want, when doing it without that skill will almost always fail.

If he learns how to do this, he will be effective socially when he wants to be. And, that alone may solve his problem.

Here’s the 3 part short course. It’s astoundingly successful! It’s been tested to work reliably.

A man called Cialdini studied effective skills of this kind and wrote them up in his book, Influence.

1. Just about the most powerful and EASIEST one is to use the word “because” when you ask for things.

Social science research studied two ways of asking for things. One way was to ask, “Could you please do this? The other way was to say “Could you please do this because….?”

As often as 95% of the time asking the first way got a NO.

The huge finding was that asking and then adding “because” got up to 95% of the people to say YES.

The even bigger surprise was that if the reason after “because” was made up or if the only reason was what it would do for the person asking, using “because” still got that result by actual test!

“Could I go first with just this one item because it will save me a bit of time?” worked as well as “Could I go first with just this one item because it will help me avoid being late to work.”

2. If it’s a bigger favor than most, there is also a way to make it twice as likely to get a yes to part of it and often get the whole thing when you would not have otherwise!

The magic add-on is to ask for what you want using because and then add: “even a ….would help.”

Long ago they tested a pitch for giving to a charity in two versions:

a) “This charity does real good in our community doing these things.

Would you give us a donation?”

b) “This charity does real good in our community doing these things.

Would you give us a donation?

Even a penny would help.”

WOW!

Instead of something like 3% gave something using a),

HALF the people using b) gave a donation!

Yes they did get a few pennies. BUT they also raised TWICE as much money!

I wish I’d known these two things when I was his age!

I couldn’t get myself to ask a girl out at all just about.

But if I’d known I had a real shot by using these two strategies, I’d have done far better!

Instead of risking, “I’d like to date you. Would you go to a movie with me this weekend?”

I’d have known to say this and practice it first:

“Now I have my driver’s license I’d like to take you out because I’d enjoy your company.

Even going to a movie this weekend would be great, would you do that?”

3. The third huge strategy is to be totally OK getting a no and be quite pleasant if you do get a no.

For him, he can remember the other things he DOES have going for him. That can be anything he is good at that he LIKES being good at.

He can remember that if no girl at his school says yes, maybe one he likes in his part time job might.

He can remember that because he knows HOW to make getting a yes likely, if the first two say no, one of the first 10 will say yes. If he also has the list with the 10 girls he would actually be interested in dating ready, that will help.

Then, when he asks, the girl won’t feel pressured at all because she can tell a NO is really OK.

AND, this also conveys to her that he is confident even if he doesn’t feel that way inside.

Oddly this makes it much more likely he will get a yes as well!

His pain point is that he is out of it socially. With those skills he won’t be anymore!

B. Some apparent autism is just a lack of such social skills that a young person dislikes and thinks something is wrong with him or her, when it is a lack of knowing what to do and successful experience doing it instead.

It’s one of the reasons to be quite sparing in using the label!

But some autism, according to what I’ve read, is that some parts of the brain that are normally connected to the appropriate other parts lack those connections.

BUT, without any labels, she can pass on the things that may help him rewire his brain or connect in other ways that provide a successful bypass.

A surprising number of people don’t know this yet; but we DO know how to do this!

And, because those things also make you feel better and less irritable and a good bit smarter and able to think on your feet, you can ask him if he wants any of THOSE results!

He might. Then he might to do them!

If he does them well and his lack of connections is mild, which sounds like it might be, he won’t be autistic anymore either! That’s because he will grow those connections or enough similar ones to provide a comparable level of ability.

The set of things proven to add new brain cells, interconnect them, and help people be less irritable and even less depressed are these:

[Student age young people who do them reliably get better grades too!]

People who take the omega 3, DHA, daily are less irritable by actual test.

AND, if they also do the exercises that release BDNF which grows new brain cells and repairs many of those less healthy, taking DHA too grows significantly MORE brain cells.

[Jarrow makes a 560 mg DHA supplement. Taking one or two of those a day can make a big difference.]

Eating hybrid wheat or soy or corn oil interferes with the action of DHA so it helps to stop eating them and fats from animals fed grain.

These 3 sets of actions done together have tested to improve mood; sharply reduce irritability; AND: often stop depression. and PTSD, and reduce the damage from explosions or concussions!

*Doing brisk walking even as little as 7 minutes a time four days a week -- and/or strength training for as little as twenty minutes two or three times a week – and/or doing two or three 30 to 60 second bursts of very vigorous cardio with rests or easier cardio in between and doing those three or four times a week. (I do each of these personally. But even one of them done consistently will work.)

**Stopping wheat foods and soy and corn oil and fats from grain fed animals completely. (Extra virgin olive oil; very lean or super lowfat protein foods from animals fed grain is superior; but protein foods from naturally fed animals is best -- such as 100% grass fed beef or lamb; eggs from hens fed on pasture; dairy products from cows fed 100% on grass, and wild caught fish; and organic vegetables and organic fruit provide the fiber you no longer get from grains.)

*** Taking one or two capsules of DHA 500 mg or more each day. (It can also help to add a daily omega 3 supplement and eat wild caught fish high in omega 3 such as wild caught salmon or sardines or herring a few times a week.)

C. Being “normal” and unusually able at first CAN help people. Sometimes it does.

What many people and young people do NOT know, is that just as often it does NOT.

But there IS something that DOES always work. Best of all, it even works for people who have problems to overcome or who are initially less able.

The people high in this skill fix or overcome problems and can even develop world class levels of skill and performance even if they started without even average skill or ability.

If nothing else, she can get him the book that describes it and how to increase your level of it.

The book is:

Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance by Angela Duckworth

It’s available on Amazon and has sold well enough many bookstores still stock it.

Think about the power of combining the methods here to become socially skilled; the methods here to cause your brain to be at its very best; and learning the skills of Grit too!

Note that none of these sets of information to get to him involve saying word one about “autism”!!

She need NOT wait to help him.

And since this is the case, even never telling him he was once thought autistic would work just fine!

******

Clearly she cannot send him this post because that would cause the problems of telling him he was thought to be autistic.

So, here’s the three things she can send him by cutting and pasting and printing them out or emailing him: (She can also ask if he'd like the book if he likes these ideas.)

******

A self help writer who once was a young man much like you wrote this:

1. It may surprise you to know that most young people your age are not socially skilled and hate it or even think they have some kind of problem.

What may surprise you even more is that the most powerful social skills are quite learnable.

*Do you want to learn them?

If you would, here’s the short course that contains them.

Just read each one and practice each one and you’ll be glad you did!

[Schools SAY that social skills are important. They ARE. But with so far, with rare exceptions they do nothing to teach them. AND they CAN be taught. I list a short course below!]

*It’s been shown that you CAN reliably tell if someone is in a high energy or low energy state; and you CAN tell if they feel negative or positive.

So, people-watch whenever you have a chance and decide whether or not the people you see are high or low energy and positive or negative in tone in that four way system. Watch other students, watch people when you are standing in lines. Once you look for these opportunities, you’ll find as many as several a day.

By simply practicing this for a few months and getting some sense of it, when someone important to you is involved, you’ll be comfortable looking at them to see where they are.

You may not even be used to looking at the people important to you now. When you do and make this reading, in a very powerful way you will be MORE socially skilled than other people your age. Moreover, you will find it reliable when you do it!

**You can often treat other people the way you want to be treated even if no one treats you that way.

Take the time to learn the name and anything at all that is positive about a few people in your class or elsewhere, because even if no one responds beyond that, YOU will feel better about yourself! AND the whole group you are a part of will work better!

Lastly, once those people learn about you from this, good things you may not even expect have been known to happen.

(One of the few social skill teaching systems in a few schools teaches that to ALL their kids. It IS spectacularly successful!)

***THAT means when you do just these two practices, it may make you enough more socially skilled you feel better.

***But there is more!

A. Asking for what you want in a politic or “sales wise” way will often get what you want, when doing it without that skill will almost always fail.

If you learn how to do this, you will be effective socially when you want to be. And, that alone may solve your problem.

Here’s the 3 part short course. It’s astoundingly successful! It’s been tested to work reliably.

A man called Robert Cialdini studied effective skills of this kind and wrote them up in his book, Influence.

1. Just about the most powerful and EASIEST one is to use the word “because” when you ask for things.

Social science research studied two ways of asking for things. One way was to ask, “Could you please do this? The other way was to say “Could you please do this because….?”

As often as 95% of the time asking the first way got a NO.

The huge finding was that asking and then adding “because” got up to 95% of the people to say YES.

2. If it’s a bigger favor than most, there is also a way to make it twice as likely to get a yes to part of it and often get the whole thing when you would not have otherwise!

The magic add-on is to ask for what you want using because and then add: “even a ….would help.”

Long ago they tested a pitch for giving to a charity in two versions:

a) “This charity does real good in our community doing these things.

Would you give us a donation?”

b) “This charity does real good in our community doing these things.

Would you give us a donation?

Even a penny would help.”

WOW!

Instead of something like 3% who gave something using a),

HALF the people using b) gave a donation!

Yes they did get a few pennies. BUT they also raised TWICE as much money!

I wish I’d known these two things when I was your age!

I couldn’t get myself to ask a girl out at all just about.

But if I’d known I had a real shot by using these two strategies, I’d have done far better!

Instead of risking, “I’d like to date you. Would you go to a movie with me this weekend?”

I’d have known to say this and practice it first:

“Now I have my driver’s license I’d like to take you out because I’d enjoy your company.

Even going to a movie this weekend would be great, would you do that?”

3. The third huge strategy is to be totally OK getting a no and be quite pleasant if you do get a no.

Start out by remembering the other things you DO have going for you. That can be anything you are good at that you LIKE being good at.

Remember that if no girl at your school says yes, maybe one you like at your part time job might. (Or your church, etc.)

Remember that because you know HOW to make getting a yes likely, even if the first two say no, one of the first 10 will say yes!

Also make a list with the 10 girls you would actually be interested in dating and write them down first because that will help.

Then, when you ask, the girl you ask won’t feel pressured at all because she can tell a NO is really OK.

AND, this also conveys to her that you are confident even if you don’t feel that way inside.

Oddly this makes it much more likely you’ll get a yes as well!

If your biggest pain point is that you are out of it socially, with those skills you won’t be anymore!

Sure, you may not be in some groups. But when you want to relate to any individual person, you’ll have the skills to do so.

2. Do you sometimes feel lousy or even depressed? Are you sometimes so irritable it gets you in trouble?

*Do you want to turn that off?

*Would you like to boost your mental skills and memory?

*Do you want to be more able to think on your feet?

There’s good news! It does take a bit of work to do them, but there is a set of things that does ALL of these things!

Not only that, it also helps cure people with PTSD and traumatic brain injury!