Ideas for when friends & family are too fat....

Today's Post: Monday, 12-27-2010

Earlier today I read today’s Dear Abby column.

A man who was from the United States had been living in another part of the world where people were less fat.

When he came back, he noticed people here in the United States were much fatter than the people he had just left.

Then, when he went to a family gathering he noticed that almost everyone was fatter – even if they had been slim when he left.

According to his letter, when he just said something to his sister about what he noticed, she got so angry with him, she told people in the rest of the family to avoid him as having “no manners.” He also said that he thought that this increase in fatness was because of a “lazy attitude” about exercise & calories.

She also decided to not invite him to her son’s wedding from fear he would alienate her in-laws.

The key part of Dear Abby’s answer was that being too fat HAS become “an epidemic in this country. ” But “the reasons for it are more complicated than a lazy attitude.”

She also thought they he was leaving out part of the story that might help explain the reaction of his sister.

She suggested that when his sister was offended by what he said, he’d have likely done better to apologize.

Then she said, “People who have weight issues know they are fat. They don't need to debate it. And they don't need you to remind them or imply they are lazy.”

I see three issues here that make sense to look at that this letter and answer highlight very well.

1. This man has seen a real problem that much more should be done to solve.

2. There is a reason it looked even worse to him that it should have.

3. He clearly had very poor social skills and himself had a bad attitude that got him in trouble even more than the topic. But he is correct that is a topic that should be spoken about.

But how could he have or can you raise the issue without angering people and alienating them? The Dear Abby answer had some hints; but was not explicit on ways to do it differently. (This is mostly because her space for her answers is so limited. But there are answers we can give you.)

1. The people in his family who have become a bit too overweight or clearly fat when they weren’t before will likely have shorter, sicker lives and will cost the medical system far more money over the next 20 years than they would have had they not “gotten fatter.” So they would have better lives and our economy would be far better if things improved. So he WAS correct that the topic is important. And, hopefully you can talk about important things with your family.

2. As people get older, their metabolism slows down. And as they progress in their jobs, they are more likely to do all of them or more of them sitting down doing some kind of knowledge based work instead of manual labor.

So, unless they do something active to avoid it, even if they don’t do worse things or bad things to begin with, they will tend to get fatter and gain weight.

If he had known that, he would have realized that their gaining some fat and weight was unsurprising. And, they looked even more extra fat than he remembered just because they lived here and were older and did better work.

3. I just read a brief interview with Oprah Winfrey who gave a very clear explanation that people want to be noticed and liked and thought important. And, it’s a very, very strong motivation.

It sounds as if despite his accurate view of how much fatter the people in his family had become (and the other people he saw) and were compared to where he had just been, he hadn’t a clue about how critical it is to treat people as if you notice positive things about them and like them and are interested in them.

And, he sounds like he hadn’t learned to put a priority on that with family he hadn’t seen for quite some time.

Compare, “It’s great to see you after so long. What’s new with you?”

Then showing you are pleased if they have been doing well and support them and wish it were otherwise if they have problems giving them pain.

Only then, and only if there is still time for it, would it make sense to say, “People here seem so much fatter than when I left and fatter than the people I’ve been living with. "Why do you think that is?" &/or "What do you think can be done about it?"

And, unless you have knowledge of the real causes and solutions of obesity and experience helping people use them, it might make sense to leave their personal situation alone unless they bring it up or their problem they spoke of is a health problem that fat loss would help.

And, even then, a question like, “Have you tried anything to lose fat?” Is MUCH better than suggesting they are “lazy” for NOT doing something.

ONLY if they say, they wish there was something they could do to fix it or they wish they could be more effective at fixing it, is it safe really to suggest something for them to do!

Two things that might help you could use if you did get to that place are:

For people who have internet access and read well and are health oriented, suggest they read this blog.

And, for everyone, it’s now a great idea to suggest Weight Watchers: “Weight Watchers was pretty effective before. Did you know they just upgraded their program to be more effective and easier to use?” (They just fixed the two problems they did have of being a bit too strict for people to stay with long enough to do the job and not health oriented enough with their new “PointsPlus” system.)

Compare that with, “I can’t believe how fat you all have gotten. Are you too lazy to exercise and eat better?” as the first thing he said to them – as it may have been.

So, the part of her answer when she said, "they don't need you to.... imply they are lazy." was clearly right on the mark.

It IS far more complicated than that.

But one of the things she said is a part of the problem.:

“People who have weight issues know they are fat. They don't need to debate it. And they don't need you to remind them…..”

There are many people who “know they are fat”, particularly women. But many people really don’t know they are fat, particularly men, and people who live where everyone else is too fat also.

But even then, those who are fat, don’t know how important it is to reverse or have a clue on how they can do it and still have their life work.

So he saw what was happening correctly and realized it’s an important topic. But he really messed up with how he presented it.

Despite its brevity, I think Dear Abby’s answer was close to the mark.

I wanted you to have an easier to use and much safer way to introduce this topic if you are in similar circumstances.